


maybe

by botanicalskeleton



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 07:55:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19313887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/botanicalskeleton/pseuds/botanicalskeleton
Summary: dan thinks maybe he likes phil, but there's always a catch





	maybe

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Phandom Fic Fests Pride Flash Fest

Resting his head on Phil’s shoulder, Dan longed for sleep. Phil has been asleep beside him for hours now, but he just couldn’t sleep. There was something inside him turning and pulling at his stomach making him feel uneasy. He could feel his own chest rising and falling heavily, almost as if an anvil was placed on his chest and he was fighting for air.

He had started to feel this way for a while, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He felt this way each time that he laid down beside Phil and shared a bed with him. Of course, nothing was romantic or sexual, it never was. But deep down it was something more that he couldn’t explain. He had no idea if Phil potentially even felt this way.

Dan wondered what it was like to be free. Free from his mind and what he wondered about the future and what it held for him. He wondered if Phil would somehow be involved in something that could possibly be more than whatever met the eye. Or would it never lie more than surface deep and the two would remain in peaceful bliss as they were now.

Dan had started to sleep in Phil’s bed a little over a week ago. At first, it was because he was having a bad day and it stressed him to no end. Phil thought that maybe the comfort of another person there would help and that he could possibly have that feeling of closeness that Dan told him that he never had. But Dan wasn’t sure it was that. Yes, he was beginning to enjoy laying next to Phil at night and having that close feeling was something he longed for. But quickly he realized that maybe it was something more.

Dan had laid with his ex-girlfriend before in the same bed, and that he had enjoyed to an extent. But it was never anything like this. He longed for this. He didn’t long to lay in bed and hold his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t even know if he could say that he felt something for her anymore. It was almost as if he made himself believe that he felt something, but then that feeling was gone in a matter of days. Mainly because he couldn’t make himself believe it much longer anymore. It had gone on for months now, and he just couldn’t do it anymore.

But with Phil, he felt different. He felt safe and warm. He felt almost as if he was on top of the world and he never wanted to lose that feeling. He was absolutely terrified that he would. There was a feeling of bliss that would wash over him whenever he was in Phil’s arms that he always missed the second Phil let go of him.

But then there was more than the feeling that he felt when Phil touched him. There were the ones that he felt whenever he got to spend time with Phil. The days when Phil would invite him over after Dan’s classes and let him spend all evening there. The times when Phil would help Dan on a paper and the two would work late into the evenings.

But now Dan just had no idea what to think. He imagined that the way he felt about Phil was the way he was supposed to feel for his ex. But he didn’t. He felt it for Phil instead. Why? There was something in his mind that kept him from wanting to believe that was true, because why on earth would he have feelings for another boy? One that was his best friend and who he didn’t want to lose. But he wasn’t gay, so why would he feel this? There was no way he could be, all his life he was told it was wrong and someone who said they were gay would be met with negative things. There was no way that he could be that.

Dan carefully sat up in the bed, the blanket pulling down and exposing his torso. Shivering he ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes. Luckily for him, Phil was a heavy sleeper sometimes, so he had no worries. Well, it depended. Sometimes nothing could wake him up, but sometimes he seemed like a heavy sleeper but woke up at the drop of a pin. Looking at him though, his stomach did a flip and all he wanted to do was curl back into Phil and pretend everything was okay. But it wasn’t, and he didn’t know when it would be.

Maybe Phil would know the answer but he didn’t want to take that chance and ruin everything that he had with him. Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe. That’s all he thought the last bit of time. Maybe things would be okay, maybe he would learn the answer.

Gently shaking Phil’s arm, he whispered his name. “Phil.” Sadly, Phil didn’t budge and just rolled over in his sleep and Dan’s eyes watered and he shook him again. He said his name a bit louder which promptly caused a better response from Phil.

Phil rolled back over and gently opened his eyes. He didn’t have his glasses on so he couldn’t see the tears in Dan’s eyes. But Dan never woke him up in the middle of the night unless something was wrong.

“Hm?” He rubbed his eyes and yawned, “What’s the matter, Dan?”

Phil’s voice was quiet and rough, making Dan’s heart flutter. Oh, how he loved Phil’s voice with everything in him.

“So- something’s wrong with m-me,” he said, sniffling, and rubbing his eyes roughly.

He watched confusion spread across Phil’s face as he sat up and reached for his glasses. Putting them on he saw Dan’s eyes and frowned. He laid his hand on Dan’s cheek and ran his thumb back and forth gently.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked and Dan crossed his legs and moved Phil’s hand.

“I th- think I like you,” Dan muttered and hung his head.

Phil watched him confused. “As a friend?” Dan shook his head no and sniffled. Oh. There was really only one other way that Dan could like him if it wasn’t as a friend and he knew that. He had thoughts like that himself, but he didn’t know where Dan was in a sense of his sexuality, so he never once pushed it or asked.

“Dan, you do know that’s okay don’t you?” Phil asked gently. “Liking me that is, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Dan sniffled and looked at him. It broke Phil’s heart. It really did and all he wanted was Dan to smile but deep down he didn’t think it would happen.

“I- if it was, wh- why doesn’t it fe- feel that way -“ he wiped his eyes and sniffled again. “I di - didn’t love her, and I wa - was supposed to. B- but I lied s- so much to her.”

Phil sighed and carefully wrapped his arms around Dan and held him close. “Dan, it’s okay. Maybe you didn’t, but that doesn’t mean you don’t in another way. And if you do have some sort of feeling for me, maybe not. But it’s okay. It always will be."


End file.
